this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
even my farts smell like vagina
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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