i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
