Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
