Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
