I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
