Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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