I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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