It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
