i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
