The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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