Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
