I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
