my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
