So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
