Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
