Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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