so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Oh god it's open bar.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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