i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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