Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
