My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
