i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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