Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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