Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
