My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize