I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
