We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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