I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
