she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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