I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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