can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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