Cold hands, warm shart.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
