you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
how does that bad decision feel?
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