Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
