upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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