I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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