i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
