They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
