the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
