pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
