dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
