Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
