Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
