Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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