omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
