everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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