if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
