How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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