Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I believe in your delicious
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
