For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
