Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
