i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
