You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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