Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
