saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
