hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
