do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
