i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize