what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
