I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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